deeg hates your guts, but you probably wouldn't know it as he talks to you, at least for a while. But, it always comes out as some sort of two-faced snideness or passive-aggressive prank. Everyone is lame to him, especially the stupid people who are so oblivious that they don't even get it. deeg hates them the most and always has as far as memory goes.
At its furthest reach, Little deegey was sitting alone in a bush. The striped pants and paisley shirt peg the memory around '68, the last year before moving up from the old neighborhood into a middle class that scarred him for life. He was ignoring his calling mother, preferring the company of bushes over people. He still does that, ignoring his ringing cellphone instead, but wonders a bit why he is still in the bushes at age 58. In the new neighboorhood he became a hood with a really tricked-out bike built from your parts. So, rather than ducking dummies like before, he ducked property owners instead and lived in a lawless world of his own on his own.
Probably the number one factor in the development of what would become deeg blew up in his face as Punk Rock. Back in '77 that was a serious statement of Us vs. Them and the literature will attest to the heavy intellect found within the ranks of poets and activists that formed the early scene. deeg's zine was "Fear of Life" and was praised then for the satirical comics and provocative prose. Today, it's a nostalgic online read for Old-School Punks tucked into the world's corners as heavy politicians and titans of industry. Undoubtedly, those big guns have other Punk Memories laced with lots of dangerous and crazy shit that helped make them the badasses they are today.
The real world-changer was the D.I.Y. attitude found in the Early Punks. We had no record labels that would press such awful music, so we made our own records. Graphic Artists went nuts at this time, making sleeves for all those new records. That stuff is super-collectible to rich punks with an itch for the old scene. It didn't take an artist to make a Flyer for an upcoming show, but some of these artists are still having huge shows in all the big galleries. Some of the enduring classics of both vinyl and paper are laughably crude, and worth big bucks. And all those artists, makers and builders? They were let loose on the world decades ago to change it forever through art and culture.
deegs post-punk contribution was that of a corporate top ramen fat-ass that sat on the phone selling life insurance for as long as it took for his damn kids to grow up and get the hell out of his house, taking their dirty clothes and dishes with them to anywhere he was not. Not everyone can be the Rockstar. He did dress them at Hot Topic and play Jealous Again in the car, though, and his son's flannel was covered with patches and studs, much to deeg's pride.
After the life of a child, of parenting, clueless therapists, semi-effective rehabs, jails, meds both psyche and psychadelic, bad friends, Orthodox Judaism and lots of AA, deeg is finally gaining traction against the onslaught and enjoying some really nice days. Nothing like hot sand at your back and a hotter sun to the front, cap over one's eyes, creates a better mood for contemplating those youthful scars and what can be done toward healing them, if anything; Psychological Cosmetic Surgery to smooth it all out.
deeg has all the usual suspects in his bag of horrors; bullies, tyrants and authorities, the last the worst. Nothing gets deeg's goat like the know-it-all busybody sorts that are full of nothing but themselves yet sticking their nose's opinion into shit they don't know anything about; self-absorbed tweetsters living in a movie driven by their expectations and entitlement. Self-will run riot crushing all opposition like a steamroller from Hell that is out of control. Yeah, people suck. They can all go die, and take the rest of the stupid human race with them.
deeg uses the work "Fuck" in a lot of creative ways. Because it is a noun, verb, pronoun and adjective, it can be strung into fantistic curses like "Fuckyourfuckingfuckyoufuckingfucker" and other such masterpieces of offensiveness. The "F Word" has a well deserved reputation of aggression and lawlessness. deeg is trying these days not to use it as much, not so much for the welfare of others (fuckem) but for the loving feeling that can be tricked into driving hate off to some other corner of my good day, just by not saying a certain fucking word.
Because deeg's struggle is against all the dumb-asses around him, it is easy to develop an attitude that it is all their fault. In the context of '80 Punk, blame worked because Russian missles were pointed at our head and Mutually Assured Destruction was a clear threat that provided NO FUTURE. These days, Mother-In-Law and Wife have become so much more formidible than all the world's armies combined. With them, the middle finger simply does not work. They are not to be intimidated and hating them gets you nowhere, except the doghouse and the bushes beyond, forever.
So, something had to change because deeg saw himself as the biggest dumb-ass of all, taking huge loads of shit from those he loves and smiling all the while with his heart full of hate. But what to do?
First off, it was apparent to the introspective deeg that the problem was not the trigger before him. There are emotional triggers buried in all things for sensitive sorts; wishing them away is futile. No, the problem must lie in how we accept these people, places and things that bug us. Our reactions may not be under our control, but the actions that follow certainly are. "Change the action to solve the problem" deeg thought with some scepticism. Anything is better than nothing.
To change an offensive action it must first be known. Others have been saying for years what your problem is and outrageous untruths becomes true over time. A good strategy is to swing toward the opposite extreme than our known defects of character. The stingy act charitable; the mean, kind. It's like pushing a bad link down in Google by flooding the search engine with the good links you would like to follow, a sort of A.I. that can quickly differentiate between good and bad actions based on the gazillion factors run rampant that we face in our weird wired world.
There was a great show on T.V. a few years ago in which the power grid went down worldwide and people reverted to a hunter gatherer thing with crops and chickens and what not. It was a bucolic little world where everyone loved each other, until the army of some asshole came and raped all the women. Yeah, deeg's first plan of everyone dying doesn't look like it will work. So, he went about cutting his emotional losses instead. Life sucks anyway, deeg thought, so what's a little more pain?
The best place to start is the thing that bugs you the worst. For deeg, that was his marriage. That selfish bitch had been fucking with him for years. Chop. Next? Her kids? Throw them on the trash pile next to their mother. Much better. Now he could toss out all the negative life-killing bullshit they piled on about what he wasn't when he really was. Fuck her and her brats.
Well, that felt good but is SO MUCH NOT a solution. Throwing others under the bus to Nirvana as we ride along in comfort builds a load of bad juju that takes the fun and profit out of the whole thing. It's not their fault anyway. deeg needed a gentler path in which he acted the opposite of the way he thought he is treated. He needed to become less of a selfish bitch full of negative bullshit. Now, the task lay squarely on deeg's shoulders by choice rather than by affliction and it doesn't matter even a little bit what others around him do, think or say. His choices, feelings, mood and actions were his and his alone.
If that sounds like a load of metaphysical crap to you, for deeg it sounds just impossible. Some things just don't come out the way we want no matter how hard we try and he had to learn how to punt when the odds are down, to drop what hurts to stop hurting. Sometimes, failure and humiliation can make a better person, if it doesn't kill you first. deeg's life since arriving in Monterey has been one of constant loss and pain; he calls it the best three years of his life.
Another somewhat destructive habit deeg has is that he likes to fuck shit up and is always itching for a fight. He's the big-mouth guy the cops have in an asphalt facedown with their boot. An abuser like his daddy was, and like his own son. A legacy of violence souped up by punk and fueled by hate. One twitch and you're dead.
deeg realized this was a problem when he would bust out in a swear directed at nobody at all, just a generalized disdain for the world around him. As a slave to his emotions, he had lost his kids, his best friend, his home, his wife and finally his possessions. Everything left to deeg's name can fit on his bike. Depending on perspective, that could be kinda depressing or very liberating.
deeg has learned to relax and just let life happen the way it is going to happen. He trusts that there is a higher power in this world than our petty selfish desires and it has some sort of plan in progress. Struggles become lessons once the heart opens and the mind becomes teachable. Bad stuff happens, but even those things work out for good to the patient heart and thoughtful mind.
All coding, graphics, prose and product mods by deeg, a punk-rock poolskatin' CA frum Ger.
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